Easter Under Pandemic: Madison’s Journal #1

Musings of Madison is all about furthering the gospel by sharing my story. Sometimes, the best way to do that is through the raw, unfiltered thoughts that I share with God in my prayer journal. This post is a journal entry from April 12, 2020.

Dear God,

It’s Easter. I know I should be more joyful– you did not stay dead, but for my sake, you left the grave behind you. Don’t get me wrong, knowing what you have done for me thrills my soul. Yet I’ve spent most of today on the couch, watching Netflix and wanting to hide from the world.

Mentally, I’ve been up and down throughout the pandemic. Some days, I feel optimistic and it’s easy to see the positives of a life slowed down. This weekend has not been one of those times. I miss people. I miss travel. I miss not worrying about gloves and masks and contagion. And maybe most of all, I feel stuck and worried that it’s never going to end.

I grieve the loss of normalcy, but it’s more than that. It’s traumatic for me– as I’m sure it is for everyone– to know that that the entire world and the systems we’ve built our lives upon can come to a screeching halt over a microorganism. Mass graves are being dug in New York right now because so many people are dying and no one can seem to stop it. It’s terrifying.

But it reaffirms what I’ve always believed, yet never had to lean on: this world is temporary and will crumble one day, but you never will. You are the only rock worth building a life on. I’ve known in my head that this was true for most of my life, but my heart still lusted after the comforts offered by the world. Forgive, O Lord, the wandering nature of my heart and bind it to you. Transform me through this worldwide tragedy into someone who looks more like you. If this cup could not pass, if there was no other way to bring me and others like me to this realization, then I praise you for it.

This kind of sanctification is painful, but you’ve shown me that that’s okay; you shed tears even when you knew the outcome. Some days, I’ll feel my chest tighten and fight hyperventilating. Some days, I won’t find the will to write or do laundry or exercise. While unpleasant, those moments are not wasted. You are strongest in my weakness. You are on the throne, and thank God I am not. I lay these burdens, therefore, at your feet.

Love,

Madison

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